


Boys and Dames

by gayliens



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Basically just a lot of Bucky, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes-centric, Established Relationship, Nonbinary Bucky Barnes, Nonbinary Character, Other, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Secret Relationship, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Natasha Romanoff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-22
Updated: 2015-01-22
Packaged: 2018-03-08 14:14:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3212135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayliens/pseuds/gayliens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The rippling, well-defined muscles of his arms and torso, the thick stubble that highlights his jawline- every aspect of his physical self tells Bucky that he is unequivocally male.</p><p>Why, then, does he want to revert to his old wall-punching habit every time someone refers to him as that?</p><p>(And what on Earth is he supposed to tell Steve?)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Boys and Dames

**Author's Note:**

> I refer to Bucky with he/him pronouns for most of the fic until they begin using they/them pronouns for themselves. 
> 
> Content warnings for sex mention, internalised homophobia, mild ableism, genitalia mention, internalised transphobia, and pda
> 
> EDIT: after a lot of questioning + soul-searching + fumbling gender confusion, i have realised that i am not, in fact, a cis girl. i'm actually pretty much as intensely nonbinary as bucky barnes (if that were possible). however, when i wrote this fic a year ago i was still steeped in Gender Denial (TM) and internalised transphobia, and as a result some of the content in the first draft of this fic was a bit dodgy and inaccurate. i've just posted a tweaked version, which should hopefully be a) better written and b) less lowkey transphobic.

It’s been exactly twenty-eight weeks since Bucky was released from S.H.I.E.L.D. custody. 

Twenty-eight weeks since Tony showed him to his new apartment in Avengers’ Tower and he promptly rammed his metal fist through the wall in panic when the door clicked shut behind him. 

Twenty-eight weeks of tense staccato days and sweat-drenched glissando nights slowly slurring into a gently pulsing domestic rhythm. 

Twenty-eight weeks of Clint doing his eyeliner, of endless nights in ordering pizza with Tasha, of Tony’s infuriating puns- and most of all, every second he spends with Steve Rogers.

Because it’s been twenty-eight days since they first brushed hands in that tacky roadside cafe, Steve’s fingertips ghosting over his knuckles just long enough for it to not be accidental. 

Twenty-eight days since Steve dragged him round to his apartment for a movie night because _Oh man, you have got to see Love Actually_ and if they shifted a little closer to each other during those mushy kissing scenes until their shoulders were pressed firmly together, was that really anyone’s business?

Twenty-eight days since they stood barely inches apart in the doorway and Steve was just starting to say ‘Buck, I didn’t think…’ when they leaned into each other at the same time, like taking a breath in sync. And, God, it really was easier than breathing, their lips locking together so perfectly naturally, and when they finally broke apart Bucky couldn’t help murmuring ‘Just making up for lost time.’

So yeah, it’s pretty safe to say that Bucky Barnes’ life right now couldn’t get much better.

~~Except for just one thing.~~

***

Bucky’s eyes snap open suddenly, his vision flooded with glaring light. He feels the instinctive jerk as his metal fingers clench into a fist and he _hates_ that even after all these months the Soldier is still part of him, his primal instincts etched on the coding of his DNA. But the moment of fleeting panic passes as his senses begin to adjust and everything falls into place. 

He’s lying naked on a plush king-sized bed, wrapped tightly around Steve and he has to take a second to take in what he’s seeing because _fuck_ if he isn’t gorgeous like this, every striking angle of his face softened by the warm light spilling in through the window. His blond hair is ruffled in a way that proclaims ‘I just had sex’, the curve of his lips full and pink. Bucky’s right hand is resting firmly on his chest, right over the slow pulsing of his heart. A ridiculous grin spreads over his face as he realises how lucky he is to finally be so close, to watch Steve’s chest rise and fall in time with his breathing and track every flutter of his eyelashes. For the first time in his life it’s safe for him to be absorbed so completely in every detail of his best friend ~~(boyfriend?)~~ and he couldn't ask for more than to lie here next to him and just _be._

Steve’s eyes flicker open tentatively.

‘Morning, Buck,’ he mumbles sleepily, a lazy grin spreading across his face. He reaches out his hand and traces one finger under Bucky’s chin, tilting his head up to brush their lips together. ‘Sleep well?’

‘Well, you did a pretty good job of keeping me up,’ Bucky replies teasingly.  
He’d love to spend the whole afternoon right here, but he needs to leave before Tony decides to saunter in and catches them together.

‘So, I’ll climb down the balcony to my room again?’ asks Bucky as he pulls an oversized Metallica t-shirt over his head. ‘Or is the coast clear outside?’

‘You know, Buck, I’ve been thinking,’ Steve frowns. ‘Do we really have to keep this thing a secret?’

‘Steve…’ 

‘I know you don’t like the idea, but just think it over, okay?’ he says hurriedly. ‘We wouldn’t have to sneak around like this all the time. You could be my… my boyfriend. Officially.’ he offers nervously.

Bucky can’t help but twitch nervously at the word boyfriend and ~~maybe it’s not because he’s scared of the commitment.~~

‘I know, Stevie,’ he sighs. ‘It’s just that… all my life we were told that this-' he gestures vaguely around the room '-was wrong. That it made us broken. Diseased. And I can’t help but feeling-‘

‘But you know it’s not like that now,’ Steve says firmly. ‘It ain’t all about boys and dames anymore.’

In spite of himself, Bucky can't resist smiling briefly when Steve reverts back to the slang he remembers them using so well. But the moment doesn't last long.

‘Look, I’d best just go,’ he says quickly, pulling on his boxers and a pair of skinny jeans. ‘I’ll catch up with you later.’

‘I just want to talk-‘

‘Later, Stevie,’ he says as he swings open the screen door and vaults over the balcony railing. 

***

Late that night he stands naked in front of the mirror, scrutinising every square centimetre of his body. The rippling, well-defined muscles of his arms and torso, the thick stubble that highlights his jawline- every aspect of his physical self tells him that he is unequivocally male.

Why, then, does he want to revert to his old wall-punching habit every time someone refers to him as that?

 _Pull yourself together, Barnes,_ he tells himself. It must be the last traces of the Soldier messing with his mind ~~even though he’s felt like this since long before he even joined the army.~~

He yanks his shirt angrily back over his head and presses his finger to his temple in frustration. He needs to talk to someone. His immediate thought is Steve, before he remembers that his secret boyfriend-of-sorts probably wants nothing to do with him after his awful morning temper tantrum. _Oh god, what will Steve think of this mess?_

No, he needs someone logical. Someone modern who has a better understanding of this bizarre new world, where the strict taboos that dictated everything about his teenaged life have been warped beyond recognition. In short, he needs Tasha.

***

‘Can’t sleep?’ Natasha asks as she opens the door to her apartment and beckons Bucky in. 

‘Yeah,’ he says glumly as he follows her through to the living room and settles down on the sofa. ‘I was wondering if you could-‘  
An friendly smile plays on her lips. ‘Of course,’ she says as she sits herself down beside Bucky and begins braiding his hair. It’s one of the things that calms him down best, her deft fingers rhythmically tugging on his thick hair. She did this for him every time he had a meltdown or a flashback, and even though half the time he didn't speak, he really didn't need to.

‘So, what’s bugging you tonight?’ she asks.

‘It’s a little, uh, complicated,’ Bucky begins tentatively. 'I'm all ears.' ‘Um, so Steve and I are close friends, right? Very close friends. You could say we’re kind of… in a relationship?’ he mutters.

He hears a soft chuckle from beside him and twists round to look at his friend. ‘What’s so funny?’

‘Well of course you are,’ Tasha says, amused. ‘It was obvious from about day two.’

‘Do the others know?’ Bucky asks nervously.

‘No, just me and Tony. I mean he runs all the security around here, so he’s probably going to notice Steve leaving your room at six in the morning wearing last night’s jeans and your sweater. We’ve got bets running on how long it will take for the others to figure it out.’

Bucky silently curses himself for being so transparent. ‘But you don’t mind?’

Another low chuckle. ‘Bucky, why on earth would I mind? I’m not exactly straight myself, in case you hadn’t noticed all those girls I kept chatting up at the bar the other night.’

Bucky blinks, surprised at her matter-of-factness. ‘Anyways, that wasn’t really what I came to talk to you about,’ he continued. ‘Lately I’ve been kind of feeling like I don’t quite, well, fit. Like, I...' He broke off. 'This is stupid, I'm sorry.'

'No, Buck, it's okay.' Her fingers pull soothingly on his hair. 'If it's got you worried like this, you can always tell me.'

He takes a deep breath. 'I feel like I'm not what everyone thinks I am. I mean it's so ridiculous because I have, you know, a dick and everything and that means I'm a boy, that's supposed to be how you tell what you are, right? But that's not... right somehow. I mean, I'm not a girl either, I just feel like I'm some kind of weird in-between, and I want to crawl out of my fucking skin sometimes, this awful body that means everyone calls me he and him-'

He's picking up speed now, his words blurring together as they flood out of his mouth and he knows he's going to regret this, but God, it feels so good to finally tell someone.

'-and I don’t know if it’s just the Soldier messing with my brain, or maybe I've always been crazy because none of this makes any sense at all, and is there a way I can fix it or remove it, pills I can take or something because I just know Steve is going to dump me when he finds out, who wants to date a boy who can’t even act like one and-’

He pauses off suddenly. His face is burning now and he clenches his eyes shut as though he can wipe the last few minutes from his memory just as Rumlow used to.

‘Bucky, what you were assigned at birth doesn't matter,’ Natasha says softly.

There is a long, heavy pause.

‘What?’ he says slowly. He turns back to face her and sees that she's smiling, her expression conveying a strange mix of sympathy and understanding and burning pride.

She grabs her laptop from the nearby coffee table and flips it open. ‘Look, I found some resources online a while back when I was first questioning my gender.’ 

'Wait, your gender? Have you... do you have this... thing?'

He backtracks immediately. 'I'm sorry, that was so rude, I shouldn't have-'

She laughs. 'In the future don't refer to it as a "thing", but I don't mind, Bucky. Yeah, I'm a trans girl.'

'A trans-'

'Assigned male at birth. Like you.'

He must still look confused, because she goes on to explain.

‘Basically your body doesn't doesn't determine your gender, your mind does. And that's not just limited to girls and boys. Here, I’ll show you.’ She passes him the laptop.

Bucky is on the verge of sobbing with relief as he scans the pages that detail different genders and pronouns. There’s a whole corner of the internet dedicated to this, full of people just like him and is it ever a relief to see that he’s not making it up, he’s not alone, he’s just being himself. He throws his arms around Tasha’s neck gratefully, and her muscles tense for a split second before she relaxes into the embrace.

'I thought I was the only one on the team,' she murmurs to him.

'I thought I was the only one in the _world_.'

They exchange understanding smiles as they break apart.

‘By the way,’ she says as he clicks on a link that leads to an agender webpage. ‘I will strangle you with my thighs if you tell Stark I said this, but you and Steve make the most adorable couple.’

***

It’s been thirty-seven days now since Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes’ first tentative kiss, and Bucky thinks that they’re finally ready.

They shift their weight nervously as they rap on Steve’s apartment door. They’ve barely spoken to him over the last few days, one or the other pre-occupied with some new distraction. Part of Bucky thinks that both of them are looking for an excuse not to face up to the inevitable awkwardness that grows with every minute they don’t talk about what happened that morning. But they plan to end that today.

‘Steve, we need to talk,’ Bucky says as soon as they enter the apartment. And just like that, they dive in before they have the chance to change their mind.

‘-and I know that the whole nonbinary thing seems ridiculous and made-up but I would really appreciate if you used they pronouns for me?’ they finish breathlessly. ‘I’m still kind of figuring out who I am and hell, I’m not always going to feel comfortable with it, but I’ll get there in the end. And you probably don’t want us to keep this thing between us going anymore but I- well, I love you Stevie. I just want you to know that.’

They stand motionless in front of Steve, preparing for the worst.

Steve, who’s been listening intently throughout this rambling monologue, straightens up and to Bucky’s surprise, _smiles_ at them. 

‘Of course I want to keep this thing going, idiot,’ he says matter-of-factly. ‘I can’t say it’s not a lot to take in, but like I said, it ain’t just about boys and dames anymore, right?’

Bucky just stands there utterly dumbstruck, a strange gleeful sensation bubbling up in their chest. Steve starts to lean in, but stops mid-way. 

‘And look, I’m sorry for pressuring you about telling the others. You’re right- we need to figure this out on our own time.’

He pauses again and Bucky gazes straight back into those beautiful deep blue eyes, letting themselves be overwhelmed by it.

‘I love you, Buck,’ he murmurs. 

And suddenly they’re kissing, mouths crushing desperately together, fingers tangling through hair and fumbling at shirt buttons. Bucky feels the pulse of Steve’s body under theirs for the first time in what seems like eons and can’t help grinning between kisses. Because they may not be sure of their future or the rules of this strange new world or even their gender, but they do know one thing for certain.

It’s only been thirty-seven days since Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes’ first tentative kiss. And they’ve got until the end of the line.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy birthday B!! ^_^ Thanks so much for this genius prompt, and have a wonderful day full of Bucky Barnes and emoji aesthetics <3
> 
> (Also, I realise that it's an absolute and utter Travesty to write trans CATWS fic and not include trans Steve Rogers, but it just really didn't work with the plot of this year-old fic and I would have had to rewrite the whole thing from scratch. To rectify this, I promise to post a fic ft Steve, Nat, Bucky, and Sam all being best bros in the metaphorical Down With Cis bus. Scout's honor.)


End file.
